


I've Got Nothing

by uselesslesbiansince1698



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Carmilla is not dealing with it well, F/F, Laura is dead, am I though?, probably not, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-20 00:58:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4767596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselesslesbiansince1698/pseuds/uselesslesbiansince1698
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Laura's untimely death Carmilla attempts to figure out what to do with herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Lose My Mind For You

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Carmilla fic ever just because I was pretty sure I sucked at writing but a friend of mine told me to just go for it. So if it sucks feel free to tell me.

 

The Ginger Twins moved in when they heard of what had happened. They did not move in because they needed a place to stay while they were moving, though that’s what they tried to tell me, but because they knew how close I was to falling off the edge. They knew about past events, and knew that I was a ticking time bomb at the moment.

Why did she leave me like this? It pains me to think about her, her name, her beauty, everything I loved. I can not speak her name. I have not since the moment her heart stopped beating. She had promised me so many times that she would remain on the planet with me until she died peacefully in her sleep as an old woman or some shit like that, that this would never happen. My worst fear came true.

Although it was not her fault, it felt as though she had left me. Alone. But there was no hope. The doctor had told us that there was no way he could have saved her. He had not answered when her father had asked if she had suffered. With a simple bow of his head, and a silence too long for anyone’s comfort, we knew the answer. I dug my nails into my hands and ran out of the room as quickly as I could so I didn’t have to see her father cry.

My super speed kicked in and I ran for miles until I stopped in the middle of a clearing of a forest. I did not have anyone to hold. I stood there, without opening my eyes, holding my breath in. If I took in any air, it would not be the same. The air, without my soulmate, seemed wrong, as though a molecule had been removed from the mixture, and everything was unbalanced. Willing myself to think of anything other than _her_ , my mind had danced around a myriad of images, ranging from platters of cookies to the bliss felt while gazing at the stars displayed on an infinite night sky. I realized, though, that everything I was imagining, every picture that I saw in my head derived from her. The lovable idiot ate nothing but cookies. And the night sky held such a different meaning ever since that night under the stars with her in the solarium.

A single tear escaped from my eye. I tried my hardest to keep them all inside because, _dammit_ , vampires don’t cry, but it proved a futile attempt. I bitterly wiped the tears from my cheeks and suddenly developed a white hot rage inside my chest. Why the fuck did this happen? Instead of analyzing the question and coming up with an answer like ‘Well, it’s because I’m a shitty person,’ I opted to blindly punch the trees lining the clearing until they were stumps and my hand was a bloody mess. I went numb halfway through that night. I don’t remember much that happened after that. I can remember a cloudy image of getting home while it was pitch black outside, and being asked by Perry, in almost a whisper, if I knew when the memorial was going to be. Screams escaped my body, and I could not control myself. I had broken into so many pieces, everyone knew I could never be fixed. I was later informed by a worried looking ginger that I had come back that night with blood smeared across my mouth.

I awoke the following afternoon in my bed, in our bed, and I immediately scrambled out of it. Turning my back to the golden sheets and comforter that once harbored our two bodies every night, my feet found their way through the door as I attempted to put as much space between myself and what used to be where she would cuddle with me every night. I padded my way to the living room, where there looked to be a big party; except all of the guests spoke softly and with heads bent toward the center of the Earth, as though the bubbly journalist would sprout from the ground any second.

Everyone in the room stared at me, and I suddenly felt underdressed. I was in flannel pajama pants and a tank top, while the others were in fancy dresses and shoes. I didn’t recognize everyone, so I assumed that some of the people there were somehow related to Laura. Their looks were sorrowful, as if communicating that they felt sorry for me with simply a glance. I scanned the room, which was packed with more people than have ever been in there. Suddenly, someone cleared their throat, and everyone began moving about, as if it had been a signal. Danny approached me. She was not standing tall or throwing insults at me as she always had. Her look blended in with the others, which was unlike Danny since she’s a giant of a human being, and brought me back to the feeling of an unbalanced atmosphere.

“Hey, Xena.” I say. Her voice is soft and so unnatural when she answers I thought I was dreaming, “I’m so sorry,” she spoke. “I’m so sorry.” And the waterworks began. She held me, and I held my breath. People began lining up behind her, to express their condolences personally. I couldn’t be there anymore: the pitying looks, the touching, the stares. When one of her cousins tried to talk to me I couldn’t take it anymore. I whirled around and sprinted out the door, slamming it behind me. I couldn’t handle the human emotions anymore so I went into panther mode. Anything to escape this wave of darkness that is her absence. I returned later that night to find a bag of blood on the counter reeking of interference by the curly-haired ginger. (I drank it anyways.)

I only remember Danny’s voice that day. Everyone else talked so quietly I could not hear them. Or perhaps death was so loud in the room that people were actually yelling, but it was too hard to hear.

 

*******

Seven days after the accident the bitterness had only grown inside me. It was apparent every time I came home at 3 am swaying slightly from the swirling of alcohol and blood running through my body. I know I scared Perry one night when I came through the door in the kitchen and the door slammed behind me. She had been intensely scrubbing at the dishes in the sink (They hadn’t been done since she died. I don’t clean dishes.) when the sudden noise caused her to jump and clutch at her heart. She quickly turned around and tried to discreetly wipe the tears from her face.

“Oh, Carmilla, you scared me.”

I stared at her.

“Would you, um, like a brownie?”

“I’m okay,” was all I said. That was all that needed to be said. She needed assurance that I was conscious, that I hadn’t totally reverted to being 100% monster. The blood dripping from my fangs to the floor didn’t help to reassure her (or me). When I left to go to my room I heard the cleaning supplies being taken out of a cupboard and the sound of a sponge swirling across the tiled floor. I pretended not to hear the tears hitting the floor as well.

 

*******

Upon opening our closet on the eighth day, I was taken aback by her aroma. I had always loved the way she smelled; like vanilla and cookies and life. I spotted a blue dress that Laura, dare I think her name, had worn only a short while before the accident, and pulled it up to my nose. I breathed her in, a scent that I knew would fade away soon, and that I may never smell again. I reluctantly put the dress back and pulled on an outfit of black which wasn’t hard to find since that’s about all I owned. Black is for mourning and I guess I mourn my ungodly existence everyday with the outfits I wear. But today I was not mourning myself.

In the living room, a selected group sat on my couch. Danny stood up at my entrance, followed by Kirsch. Laf, who was holding Perry in their arms, looked up at me over their shoulder with a broken look on their face. I wondered if I looked like that. It seemed that they were all grieving separately from me. I ignored the fact, though, because I didn’t need anyone. I hadn’t for hundreds of years.

“Let’s go,” I whispered.


	2. I Got The Devil On My Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's funeral service does not go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry an update took a little longer than expected!

I walked in appearing human and left with all bits of myself displaying the monster I truly am.

I had known beforehand that this would be an incredibly difficult experience. But I had convinced myself that I could stay strong through it, that I would get through as the person Laura always saw me as.

Xena and the puppy sat on my left and Ginger Squared sat on my right. We were in the pew in the far front, and Laura’s dad and family sat in the pew opposite us. They all saw me. They all looked so upset, but their grief would not haunt them like mine. Mine would never leave.

I could have stopped Laura somehow, then she would still be here. I was a fucking vampire after all. I could have stopped that car. She and I would be drinking wine right at this moment, she would be telling me about whatever harebrained scheme she had come up with to get her next story. I now took the blame for this accident, and what was left of my unbeating heart cracked a little more.

Lafontaine tapped my shoulder and looked me in the eye. Their eyes were red and wet with the tears that could only be cried for a loved one. They spoke firmly but cracked at the same time. “Carmilla. This is not your fault. There is no way you could have stopped this from happening.” I stared blankly at them. They somehow knew what was going on in my head. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dr. Frankenstein had somehow developed a device for mind-reading. The leader of the ceremony began to speak. He introduced the first speaker, and my body stiffened when Laura’s father took the stage

“Please bear with me,” he said coarsely. “It is so hard for me to be up here, talking about my daughter like this.”

I did not think I could sit through this entire funeral. The coffin was so close that I felt the dirt under my fingernails again, screams caught in my throat, blood, blood, blood everywhere. I hold my breath and grip tightly to the pew. As the wood began to crack under my hold I wonder what the hell I’m doing here. I’m in a church for fuck’s sake. Monster’s don’t belong here.

“Uhm, Carmilla? Sweetie? You may want to loosen your grip.” Suzy Homemaker whispered. My eyes snap open just as the wood finally splinters under my hands. I know she is not the one to blame but she is the most annoying of the bunch and in that moment she is the object of my rage and loathing. The Ginger Giant and Frankenstein feel the shift within me and are quick to react. They try to move as discreetly as possible between myself and the curly ginger so as not to disturb the service. I didn't care about that, I just needed to get the hell out of there and find something to kill. I made a move to get up but sasquatch grabbed my arm. I quickly yanked it away and a growl rumbled in my chest.

Lawrence steeled her eyes and I could see her jaw tighten as she gritted her teeth, “Carmilla. Don’t.” I let out a hollow laugh void of any sort of joy and felt my face harden. I focused my gaze on her and, although she didn’t budge from her spot, I saw her flinch slightly at the callous look in my eyes.

“Don’t what, Xena?” I challenged.

The ginger averted her eyes for a moment before attempting to reassert herself as she glanced back up at my cold eyes. “Laura...she...she wouldn’t want this.” I suck in a breath and before I realize what’s happening my hands are wrapped around her neck and I’m squeezing, squeezing, squeezing. I don’t have a heartbeat but _something_ still pounds in my ears as I faintly feel nails trying to blemish my skin in an attempt to break free from my grasp. I vaguely hear people calling my name but I ignore them. I see red and I’m just about to put an end to the life that is Danny Lawrence when I realize something: I kill her and she gets to be with Laura. And how is that fair? I quickly release my grip from her neck and she falls to the ground, lungs begging for air. The frat boy rushes over to her and attempts to help her to her feet as she rubs her neck with one hand. I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my fists and I can sense rather than see that all eyes are on me but I stay frozen in place in an attempt to control my shaking. I hear shuffling behind me and quickly whip myself around, “ _Stay away from me. I **will** kill._ ” I’m met with the frightened eyes of Lafontaine and when I look past them I realize all the eyes on me are full of fear. Good. They should be scared. I am a monster afterall.

I allow my eyes to flicker across the room before getting the hell out of there, my gaze finally landing on Laura’s father. His fear mirrored those around him and I find myself hurt by his look of terror more so than anyone else’s. I could see Laura in his eyes and the fact that those eyes were now afraid of me...I quickly shook my head attempting to get rid of the pricking sensation behind my eyes. And, before anyone could begin to come to their senses, I put on the speed and was out of there.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry this is so late! But it's here now and I hope I can update again within the next week unless someone really wants to see some more, then I'll try really hard and update sooner! So let me know what you think and if you want more! Thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> (Also, I'm still totally giving out bonus points to anyone who recognizes where the title of this fic is from.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If any of you guys are interested in continuing to read this let me know so I can put out some more chapters!  
> (Also, bonus points to anyone who knows where the title of this fic is from)


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